Dear Courage Queen
I have been married for over ten years and have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have thought about splitting up but realised it would upset my young son too much . My husband and I ‘get on’ but we are more like brother and sister. I love him but am not in love with him. We rarely have sex but other than that I don’t think the marriage is bad enough to divorce. We do have petty arguments and he frustrates me sometimes but all marriages have problems!
Recently I bumped into someone from the past and we hit it off again. I have started to think about this person a lot but am confused as to how I feel. Bumping into my ex has made me think about my life very differently.
Dear Courageous One
One thing I have learnt about life is there is no one answer that is suitable for everyone. Many adults choose to stay in sexless or unfulfilled marriages for the sake of their children. However, what can happen is when the child has grown up and left the nest, the parent who wanted to leave often feels bitter and resentful that they put their happiness second due to fear of upsetting the child and being seen as the bad parent by ending the marriage.
I believe people come into our life for a reason. Maybe your ex has come into your life to shine a light on your marriage and make you question your marriage and your life – this is a good thing right?
Unfortunately many of us are raised in a culture that makes us believe marriage has to be for life and happiness doesn’t really factor into it. I actually believe our life can be full of lots of relationships which make us become a better person. We don’t always have to marry the people we connect with.
Children need to learn to be able to handle life experiences and yes, whilst divorce can be challenging and upsetting for children, with the right support they can flourish and learn to accept the different way of living. I believe the most important thing is being a positive role model for your child and by living with courage rather than fear is a wonderful way to teach your children.
Often pretending and pushing things under the magic carpet of denial can never lead to happiness – all that happens is resentment and bitterness festers.
Do you want your child to have courage to face their challenges in life – if so you can be the one who role models this courageous way of behaving by admitting you could be happier.
Reflect on these questions
1) Where did you get the idea from that you have to stay married to one person all of your life?
2) Would you want your child to be in the same sort of marriage when they are your age?
3) What are your fears around ending your marriage? i.e being alone, financial stability, conflict
4) Would your child rather see you happy than staying in a relationship that expired years ago?
5) How would you like your marriage to be – how can you make this happen?
Think about going to see a counsellor to help you explore your options. It doesn’t always have to end in divorce. You can rebuild your marriage if you both really commit to it. Truth and openness is key.
My book I Can Handle…Divorce helps you to reflect on your marriage. It helps you explore options to make a decision on how you can move forward either by staying together or splitting up.
If you would like an objective view to your relationship and marriage, book some time with me and I will help you see a way through the fog. Prices from £45
Follow me on twitter @couragequeen
Share if you care – use the buttons below to help empower others