Dear Courage Queen
I have been married for three years and am devastated. My husband and I had a lavish wedding and it was truly the happiest day of my life.
About 18 months later, something changed. We stopped going places together and he spends more time with the boys on nights out. When I suggest we go places, he refuses and sits on his Xbox all weekend. I can’t believe the man I married is the man I am starting to hate and then I feel guilty for hating him.
When I say, ‘let’s talk about it’, he says, ‘you always want to bloody talk about it’, and slams out of the house. He is frosty for a few days and then it all goes back to normal. I have tried everything to try and get him to talk to me about our problems but he refuses. What can I do to change him back to the man I love and married?
Dear Courageous one.
Never try and teach a dog to miaow, it frustrates the dog and will drive you to destruction.
In reality, dogs are incapable of miaowing! Secondly what right do we have to try and change the dog? None, unfortunately it is the same for our loved ones.
We have no right to try and change someone else and they may be incapable of changing or simply do not want to do so. If your partner does not want to talk about it, then I think the clue is in his behaviour. Unless he is suffering from depression which can make people withdraw then I believe any adult is capable of talking to resolve a situation, if they really want too of course.
The only responsibility we have is to change ourselves.
I know this is frustrating and probably not the answer you want. I would suggest you start to change yourself to help you change the situation.
Ask yourself some key questions
- Are you worthy of being with someone who wants to spend time with you?
- Are you worthy of being with someone who is willing to take responsibility to change his behavior?
- Are you worthy of being with someone who genuinely cares whether you are happy?
- Are you worthy of being with someone who would do anything to try and resolve your marriage problems?
- Are you worthy of being in a marriage, which is fun, loving and respectful?
If the answer to all of the above is YES and I sincerely believe you are worthy, then start today to make a commitment to yourself.
By all means tell your partner your intentions. Explain to him you realise you have no right to change him however you want to be with someone who respects you and wants you to be happy. Explain if this is not one of his priorities then you understand however you owe it to yourself to live a life where you are respected and loved. Give him some choices which he could consider – sitting and talking, going for counselling, living separate lives in the same home or separating. Agree a time-frame for resolution and then re-visit.
I know it’s difficult to admit your marriage may be over however
My book ‘I Can Handle…Divorce’ may help you with options to get the marriage back on track – buy it in the shop
Remember Divorce doesn’t have to be the only option.
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